I honestly don’t know why I always end up here. I don’t really know if it really is something to do with my head or if it really is just in my head like a crazy person.
I’ve never been able to go to a doctor and really get the run down on me. I know they said I have psoriasis, then I my iron got low, then came the depression and following that was my anxiety. Now somewhere in this weird little mix up we have maybe added hypoglycemia or I’m not getting enough protein in my daily diet aka I’m not eating enough daily. Which still comes down to it that I think about everyone else before I even give myself a single thought. What the hell????
Why do people need me so much let alone want my help? In two seconds flat I can become the worlds biggest bitch and bite your damn head off. :-/ Yay!!! Not so much. I care too much about people I throw myself out there and give everyone my all (all of it). Then I turn around feeling like I get nothing in return. Maybe I do set my expectations too high? I don’t really think I do. All I ask is people give me some appreciation for the things I do. A little give and take, not take, take and take!! This isn’t applying to everyone. I know I have some pretty awesome friends out there who do a lot for me.
Now to get back to where I was kinda starting with this before I leaped onto my soap box. I don’t like having a crutch. I don’t like letting any illness (mental or physical) stop me from doing things. I honestly wish I could mean that with everything I have but it don’t. My psoriasis makes me so tired from the pain and itching, then you add on the anxiety of how it makes me look. I feel like this red spotted freak that everyone can see how ugly I am. Which with most anxiety you have depression on top of it, which helps me not eat right. When my emotions are going crazy I don’t eat right AT ALL. I either eat shit all day or I do eat the right stuff but it isn’t enough. Then if I eat enough I feel like a fat whale because I struggle with self image and I’m trying to lose baby weight again and it looks like it will take another 3 years to do so. I don’t wanna be medicated I feel like a failure if I get back on medication. If I could just get an hour a day to find my center. Do something for me, just me not for anyone else. Jesus that makes me sound selfish and then I feel guilty. It’s like a never ending cycle. I know there are other people out there with way worse problems then me so i try to keep shoving mine in the 20lbs bag I drag everywhere and keep hidden so I can keep my smile on my face and keep being there for everyone.
I know I have a lot of friends worried about me lately. They see me slipping they can see they bag is about to bust at the seams. It’s all about to blow up in my face again. So here is whats going thru my head. Don’t take this as a pity party or me looking for attention. For someone who can talk all day about anything and everything, i can’t talk about any of the serious shit that is really going on with Cassie. So here is my serious shit out in the open that only way I can get it out there.
I need to start writing again. I feel sorta relived getting this out there. The crazy mess that it is but if it wasn’t crazy it wouldn’t fit me at all now would it?